Learning to Love Again

This was me aged 21. Yes, I definitely had that brooding look going on. Don't judge. When you're 21 and some professional photographer says 'turn and look natural', you turn and make this face. Anyways, the face is not the point.

The point is that I look back at this photo six years on and think, 'goodness, I had a great figure then.' And I did. But the funny thing is, I remember this photo shoot very clearly (done with the money I had saved from my 21st birthday) and truth be told, I remember thinking, 'man, I'm so fat. I wish I had my sister's figure.' Which is sheer and utter nonsense now I think about it. No, not about my sister's figure - even after having a child, she still has the body of a supermodel. What's sheer and utter nonsense is the fact that I thought I was fat! What?! Man, if I had that figure now, I'd be so happy! Flat stomach, great legs, curves (maybe the arms leave something to be desired, but I've always had a thing about my arms)... Why did I dislike my body so much?

But then I caught myself... 'hang on,' I said to myself, 'hang on just a minute. You're doing the exact same thing right now.' No, I wasn't comparing myself to my sister's body anymore. But I was comparing my body right now to my body back then. I was visually imagining the lack of back fat, the flatter stomach, and yes, even the slightly slimmer arms. I was unhappy with the body I've got now, and wishfully thinking of a better one.

Well, fat lot of good that's gonna do me.

'Body' and 'shaming' are two words we hear flung together rather a lot these days. It's a taboo subject. We're not supposed to do it. We're told that size doesn't matter, all shapes are beautiful, to love ourselves as we are. There are campaigns and articles and movements and rallies all dedicated to promoting the vast variety of women's body shapes and encouraging us to accept the body we've been given. It's nothing new. It's a positive message, and it's been taking off for some time now.

But that's not the end of it. Now, I don't want this post to suddenly take a dark turn, but the truth of the matter is that there is a horrible contradiction going on. Because at the same time - and by the same media - we're also thrown images of photoshopped women, made to look skinnier, dewier, more willowy. There are apps out there that 'beautify' you, making your eyes bigger, your face smoother, and your lips fuller. Young girls are cropping their Instagram photos and adding filters to make themselves 'more gorgeous'. We're given a standard of 'beauty' that's impossible to achieve. Did you know that in February 2017 (2017!!!) Vogue reported that,

"Over 62 percent [of models polled] reported being asked to have to lose weight or change their shape or size by their agency or someone else in the industry. That's from a sample of people who are [on average] already considered underweight by World Health Organization standards."

Way to take a dark turn, Bekah!

But it's true - we are being thrown a horrible contradiction. 'Love your body no matter your shape' on the one hand. But, 'your shape should reflect these photoshopped women' on the other. There's no winning.

Well, I'm not standing for it! I'm fed up of pining for a figure I don't have. And let's face it, I'm never going to have the figure of a supermodel. But that's OK. I've made my peace with that. There's no way I'm ever going to grow by four inches and lose the broad shoulders and hips.

So instead, I'm going to commit to learning how to love my body again. Or maybe even for the first time. I'm going to embrace my curves, accept my imperfections and work towards a healthier, fitter me. I'm going to stop comparing myself to other body types - and even my past self - and just go with what I've got now. And hey, if on this journey I end up losing weight, changing my shape and gaining a flatter stomach, there'll be no complaining. But meanwhile, I shan't be complaining about the body I've got either.

This two-faced, conflicting, mixed media ain't gonna work on me. (And yes, I'll probably have to come back to this post to remind myself of that, because I don't imagine it'll be easy...)

So that's it. No more wishing I had the figure of 21-year-old me. Well, at least I can now appreciate it, I guess; I clearly didn't back then. But for now, I'm going to try to love my body just the way it is. Semi-flat stomach, broad shoulders and all.

So if you hear me making comparisons about my body, or wishing I could change it to something better, you have my permission to raise your eyebrows and give me a stern talking to. But hey, if I catch you doing the same, there's a stern talk coming your way too.

Love,
Bekah xx